I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
