Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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