I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
