I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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