This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
