so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
