Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
