ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
