Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
