He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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