Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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