He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
