My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
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I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
When did angry sex become our thing?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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