I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
