I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
farters have to be the big spoon...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
