Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
