I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
