Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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