Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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