did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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