I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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