Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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