I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
