I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
