I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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