Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
