Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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