Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Randomize
