Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
