He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
