You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
