Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
