Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Two words: nipple clamps
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