A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
