Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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