Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wish you could order shots online.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
