There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
