oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
