i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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