Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
