i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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