I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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