i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
