a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
