I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
