if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
