it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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