I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
