I met the friendliest cop last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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