Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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