I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
