I feel great
I just peed on a car
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
