I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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