Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
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my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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