so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
