she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
