Your dad touched me again.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's shark week go big or go home
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
