how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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