your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
