I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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